5 things parents need to tell their children about sex
Parents, we need to talk about sex... a lot.
Awhile back, my mother and I were talking about the changes that have happened in our culture and society over the past few years.
My mom was always super careful and wise as we grew up as young boys. She monitored and filtered what we saw on television, she vetted the places we went, and one of the most challenging things she did was keep us away from staying the night at other homes.
That was frustrating as a child. Yet, now I am married to a licensed therapist who knows firsthand how widespread sexual abuse and perversion is—especially among unprotected minors and children.
Parents, long gone are the days where kids would find out about sex from the your uncle’s stray Play Boy magazine. Today, many children have cellphones, tablets, and televisions that show them sexual things anytime, anywhere.
As a pastor, I am constantly made aware how accessible and normal it is for young people to talk about sex or learn about it.
If you have a kid over the age of 8, it is game time.
According to the Australian Government,
“Nearly half of children between the ages of 9-16 experience regular exposure to sexual images.”
(Article | Check out the section titled “Exposure to Pornography”)
It is important that we talk to our kids about sex early on and often.
If you don’t, society, school, technology, celebrities, and everyone else will…
Here are 5 things we need to tell our kids about sex.
1. Sex is not bad + 2. Sex is not a mystery.
Christians have become accustomed to telling our kids “Don’t have sex before you get married. It is a sin.” That’s sometimes all we say.
This command without context or education leads to a negative view of sex. It leads to mystery.
Everyone knows, mysteries are meant to be solved or explored. There is a reason why mystery is a hit genre in books, television, and film.
When we as parents or churches create a mystery around sex because we don’t talk about it, students think it is bad or taboo.
Sex is awkward. Sure, it’s weird, but it is normal. It happens every day. Everyone you see is the result of it.
Sex is normal.
Sex is not bad.
In Genesis 2, God creates woman and establishes marriage, sex, and family.
But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
23 The man said,
“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
25 Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
Genesis 1:28 includes God’s command to fill the earth with children and offspring. Logically, God commands humans to have sex and fill his creation.
28 God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.
Sex is not bad.
It is God’s design.
It is God’s gift.
Tell your children that sex is not bad, rather, God made it and it is good—when done in his way. We must de-mystify sex. Obviously, we do not need to be explicit or graphic with our young children, but we must be clear and open.
Without explaining what sex is, sex will remain a mystery to our children. A mystery they will solve at some point. They will be exposed to and learn the truth about sex. Take control of the situation and guide them as they grow.
Sex is not a mystery. Sex is not bad.
Sex is normal, and it is good when we do it the way God intended.
3. You don’t need to have sex to be sexual. You are sexual.
In America, we have become comfortable talking about sex purely as the act of sexual intercourse. We have made sex exclusively the act.
This is not the case though.
We must tell our children that they will not be more sexual if they have sex.
They are already sexual. Sexuality reflects our sex—our male and femaleness.
Sex is an expression of our sexuality, but sex is not the totality of it. Rather, sex is a small part, a minor expression of our male and femaleness.
Sex utilizes male and female genitalia to perform a sexual activity.
The truth is that you can be fully male or female without ever having sex. You do not gain any sexual identity be having sex. You merely gain experience. Your sexuality is cemented and complete when you are developed.
Sex does not gain us sexuality points or development.
We are fully sexual now—and that is a great thing.
4. You are being marketed sex. Do not be an ignorant consumer.
We must let our children know about the great marketing that occurs every day.
This idea goes well beyond sex. Marketing targets every area of our lives.
However, our kids—and us as adults just as much so—are targets in a big game of make them pay more. From scantly clothed women selling cheeseburgers, to blockbuster films employing sexually and visually attractive actresses and actors, everyone uses sex to sell everything.
We must show our kids that just because an attractive person is connected to a product, movie, idea, movement, etc. that does not mean the thing is good or beneficial.
We are consumers. We have been studied. Do not be fooled into thinking that this an intentional assault on your emotions and sexual desires.
Kids from an early age will learn to engage their sexuality in areas completely unrelated to healthy and holy sexuality.
We must show our children that the things they see in ads, movies, online, and in culture are seeking to activate desires and emotions within them.
This is a natural occurrence.
Short of removing ourselves from society, there is not much we can do to avoid these situations. Thus, we must be vigilant to teach our children and reveal these tactics to our children. Practically, take time to show your kids how certain ads or movies utilized sex or sexual images to encourage a certain behavior!
(This wiki article goes into more depth on sex in advertising. There were sensitive images included as examples at the time of posting. I do not endorse the article or wiki, but included as more context for those who may be interested in more context on the subject.)
5. Sex does not (magically) make life better.
As a husband and father, it would be remise to dismiss the good aspects of sex.
There is a clear reason that sex is so emphasized in our culture.
Yet, sex does not make life better.
Sex is not a magic bullet that will solve every problem.
Sex will make your difficult life better.
Movies and media are teaching our kids that sex or physical attraction is the basis for relationship. The person you date, marry, or have a relationship with is most fundamental someone you think will satisfy your desires.
Romantic comedies and drama TV series have completely lied to us about the reality of relationships.
Your life is not going to get better just because you start having sex.
We need to tell our kids that as great as sex is for your marital relationship, there are so many hard battles you will still have to endure.
Sex will not fix their trauma.
Sex will not fix their selfish behaviors.
Sex will not fix their insecurity.
Sex will not fix their depression.
Sex will not fix their desire for happiness.
Sex can help some things, but more often than not, sex will only make up a small part a healthy individual.
Sex will not solve our kids problems. They need to know this. They need to be taught how to become healthy people. Sex will not get them there.