Raw Journal: Father and Pastor
Reflections on my life
My youngest son Shepherd has turned six months old. It is a weird feeling seeing my two boys grow up so quickly and my role as a father ever evolving.
The past few months as I have done work introspectively—with my therapist and habitually. I have had to accept the current season of life I occupy: a season blended as a pastor and a father. Unlike the freedom of being a college student or a young pastor in my early 20s, my fatherhood and pastoral identity have blended to create a new season of life. Instead of output, there is input. Instead of growth, there is reformation. Instead of tangibles, there are intangibles.
As an achiever and builder, most of the work I do and projects that I would take on often had tangible outputs I could see and gauge. Even when we took on the unexpected responsibilities for my oldest son, we were able to continue our normal pace in life and retain our set rhythms and schedule. My youngest changed our standards.
Over the past few weeks, I have had to accept that my work and life will look different than they did even a year ago. Seasons come and season go. This is where we are right now.
Work is not about the quantity or results right now. It is about the quality and reshaping of what is truly valuable as a pastor. Casual projects are not more valuable than the pastoring of my students—or my own children. Growing our numbers via general marketing or popular principles are not more valuable than growing as a pastor and teacher feeding the flock that has been graciously entrusted to me.
This is the new balance of life—the father and the pastor. One that unsurprisingly does and ought fit together seamlessly.
This week I heard a story of a 12 year old who has already experienced the onslaught of societal pressures—pornography, sex, self worth, eating disorders, etc.—which we used to associate with high schoolers. This is the world I pastor. Games and gimmicks aren’t saving our kids. They may be part of the process. They may distract and numb the pain. But my work as a pastor and father comes from the depth of God and his true goal—to bring new life to those who embrace him and submit to his kingdom. This new season is marked with deep spiritual awakening. The kind that cannot be taught, rather experienced. It cannot be manufactured, but rather must come from the drawing of the Holy Spirit. It often will not come in masses, but in individuals. It will come from faithful teaching and deep study of the living words of Jesus, not cheap gimmicks, emotional pulls, and detached theology that aims for conversions. These things can work, and they have. Yet, they seem to create less solid foundations when the storms of life do eventually come.
As a father, the weight of the world has only increased the past year and a half. The world I see is the world of my children. The weight is heavy. There are serious conversations we need to have about our expressions of faith as western protestants.
The pastoral identity is a broad excursion. The vocation of fatherhood is a never-ending lesson. They are now mine.